Remebering My brother Eric

I don't know how to explain this, is the most difficult blog post for me. I want to say something about people who have committed suicide. And reason why I want to do this.

First, is its really sad and hurtful that someone hurts themselves. why? Idk. I have a big heart and i care about these people, even celebrities do this too. its an awful thing to end their lives. Like Robin Williams, I was shocked to hear that he had taken his own life. He will always be funny and always entertains us, I'm sure he is entertaining in heaven, That's what i like think. Nothing wrong with that.

Anyways, I have recently found out last month the night of the super bowl, The day after that i get a text from a family friend Cindy. She has informed me that my youngest brother Eric has taken his life. by committed suicide. He hung himself. I am still hurting and feel alone. My own brother. I know we havn't been that close but Eric was my baby brother. I will miss him deeply.

I remember the good times i had with my brother Eric, He was there for me when we were teenagers, He would actually go out and find the bullies that have hurt me, and have called me the worse name, to this day I still hate the word and being called a retard. No one has respect for that. I also hate the way people used that word for anything. We need to put a stop to it. thats what i want.


I have gone into a deep depression for days, then turn to two weeks that i wanted to shut everything out for awhile. I had to remind myself that we can't prevent it and try to stop it. Suicide is a disease, I hope i am not saying to much here, But i just want to express my feelings with what i care about. I remember a country artist that i like and still a fan of hers, Mindy McCready, she is talented and has a great voice, One of her hits, Ten Thousand Angels, is my favorite song that she recorded.

It's really sad to the loss of love ones, My brother May he rest In Peace. Eric I love you and i miss you everyday. what else hurts that i don't want my brother's remains. It scares me. It's just me and my younger sister now. I am afraid and concern. I just want what's best for her and to get well. And come home soon.

I an in tears, need end this post.
H. Kylene

Associates in fine arts

I did it, I am officially done with my college years, I have my associates in fine arts degree. I have come a very long road with my education. I also know in my heart that my parents are proud of me. and the rest of my family as well too. tbh, I didn't think i was gonna make it. But i proved to myself that once i put a goal to what i want and to have. I earned it. Just like when i was on the presidents honor roll. from my school it was incredible to have that, I couldn't believe that happened. that was like 2 yrs ago. It was awesome. 

Now that i am finished and waiting for May 10th 2019, My graduation Day. I also pick up my cap and gown next week. I feel like i want to cry:

Next Monday, i will be making a short clip to thank someone, and for all the help that this person has done for me. He has been so wonderful to me. Gene Heppard, Mr. Heppard helped me and told me about this program that can help me and get a waiver, that will get me dismissed from any type of math. That has helped and improved a lot for my education.  This program that i am on, its been almost a year since i got accepted. So far we have put together my resume, and have done a field trips to art galleries with one of my staff member, Dollie. She is my job coach and has been helping me with my budget too. so far so good, Now my other good news, I have my first job interview this Friday, get this the job i had applied for is, a costume character. for LegoLand Discover center, in Tempe. Its not exactly what i wanted but it's kind of close too. I am an artist. I want a job that involves in art. I am now part of the art world. I like to be famous one day. And have my own art shows and one day own my own art studio. I love just about everything. Ceramics, making art and jewelry. and i also love water colors and pastels too. And i most definitely love oil painting too. 

The most definite person that i have admire for years is Thomas kinkade, the painter of light. He is the main reason why i want to be an artist.  
signing off for now. 
H. Kylene

Brother

This is really hard for me, right now but i have something to say, about people people that commit suicide. One thing is i don't understand why or what made them want to end their life. I also want to be clear about it too. But i also have questions about it. Like what would make them want to do something like this? why?

I have always wanted to know why? why end your life. What was wrong? Was it depression or bipolar. Or was it because of the bad choices that has happened to you. I have one friend who had a sister, who committed suicide, and i feel so sad for my best friend for losing her sister like that, I didn't think that i would have someone in my family that would do something like, but i was wrong. it happened to my family. I just recently loss my baby brother from suicide. I am devastated to lose a love one. It has been so hard not to be as close to someone like a family. For the past five years i have loss family. first my parents. and then my older brother has passed and now my younger baby brother. now it's just me and my younger sister. We have been through a lot.

I have always loved my brother, and sister. but we just drifted apart, but my older brother i was more closer to him then i was with my two younger ones. I will miss my baby brother. He will always will be. I love you Eric, and i am devastated for what happened. I wish i knew why you would do something like this. I don't completely understand this. I have been very emotional for two days now since i found out about your passing, i will always love you and miss you very much.
My baby brother. I love you with all my heart.

There are always Roads

First is this, My graduation. I have finally did it, and i will be actually graduating this May, I am thrilled and excited. I have purchased my cap and gown, However i don't get to pick it up just yet. Not until the end of the semester. April to May i will be able to pick it up, I can't wait. This is an excitement news that i have been looking forward too, for a long time now. since i started at Phoenix College. I will be finished with school now. Right now i am taking a fun class while i wait for my graduation day. yes Ceramics. I am making new things. But i also don't want to make too much this time around. The rest of my ceramic work is at home in boxes. I will have an associates in fine arts degree. How excited is that. I am an artist.

Now, I am currently looking for a brand new place. I'm tired of these dive apartments, I need something better and cheaper. And safe for me and Balki. Balki is my loving kitty, I got him a year ago. I wasn't planning on having a pet anytime soon, but once i saw him with my neighbor i knew i loved him and new what his name will be, Yes Balki from the tv show Perfect Strangers. I am a huge fan of that show. And i still watch it. I have the series that i got from Ebay over a year or two ago. something like that. Any how balki and i need to find a new place as soon as possible. We will be putting in our notice later in the summer. Just as soon as we get accepted to an apartment, and hopefully it will be my last move. I am actually tired of moving, i like to have a home that i can call home sweet home.

Okay, I have to admit something, but i can't explain it yet, and i'm not sure if i want to, but it is kind of private. but talking about it does help. I just don't know if i can accept this news. My relationship with Javier, Its been on a strange course, there are several roads to our future. I have found out that he has been lying to me all this time, 7 years. I guess i kind of new, but i just didn't want to accept it. And i still don't want too. Anyways i have been having these mixed feelings since last November 2018. I have been keeping it a secret for months now, i haven't told anyone yet, and what i know now. I also have been keeping a secret myself, and i wasn't ready to talk about it, because it hurts me that i get emotional about it, and that i am not able to have. "I'm sorry i can't bring it to myself and say it" I just can't.
There are roads to almost everything that i am working on. But there are roads, always roads.

Graduation Day 2019

I have some exciting and wonderful news to tell you all, With all the work and the studying that i have been through with, Is that i finally came to end of my college years at the phoenix community college. I am a graduate, Well, the ceremony is in fact in May of 2019. That's when they will have the commencement ceremony. However i have decided not to transfer after all. It was best that i ended with a associates in fine arts degree. And you know what, I am proud of myself, why you ask because i am a fighter, i actually stayed and didn't drop out, At first i wasn't too sure if i was going to make it, It got harder for me after the 2nd year. Plus it was more challenging too. My family is proud of me. I just wish that my parents was here and hear them to say that they are proud of me as well, But I know in my heart that they are proud of me, I loss both of my parents 4 years ago. It was so hard on me then, and now its still hard but i know they are in my heart forever, just like my older brother as well, he passed 2yrs ago. I believe that they will be there in spirit, and honoring me. with grateful and smiles and how proud they are. I can't believe that i did it, Omg, Thank you for everything. giving me life, and making the best move i ever did, living back in my home town, Phoenix Az is the best, and going to school and continuing my education. I don't care that i went to a community college, it was the best and opportunity that i did. Now i can concentrate on my graduation Day in May 2019. All i have to do now is to take grad Trax session, that is to prepare me for the graduation. I just have to take that Next month. school starts again, but i don't need classes, grad trax is all that i need.

I really want to take ceramics, I just have to pay for that, its like $320 for the class for the semester. But i can do payments, but i'm still not sure if i can, as much as i want too. But it is what i want to do until my graduation day in May, And would be nice to hang out with my friends too. Ceramics is the best class ever, I love making new things. especially muppets, to owls and butterflies. I have new ideas that i want to do. I am going to see what i can do about taking ceramics class.

In closing, I am counting the days, weeks, and months to my graduation Day. May 10th 2019.
Did you all know that i am the first child of my siblings to go to college and make something good for myself, and you know what i am so happy and proud of myself, that i made something in my future, I know what i want, and this is just the start of it, Now i am hoping to have the home of my dreams, I am tired of moving from apartment to an apartment. I want a home, that i call home sweet home, and no more moving. I do dream of my home, i even think about having a tiny house. I love them, I can picture how i want it to be and the design, But that is dream and a fantasy that i want. But all i care about is to be happy and give Balki a good home for us. Balki is my cat, he is a wonderful and caring and he is my emotion support animal. Yes he is, He is rent free. I wish my rent was free too. that would be awesome, but i don't see that happening. but i can think about it. Okay, now i may concentrate with my graduation Day coming.

End of the road

Well it is coming to end for me here at phoenix college, it has been a great adventure here. I have been here since 2013. And when i first started i wasn't sure what career path that i wanted to do. I have several careers that i would want and love to do. My first dream was to become an actress, I have always dreamed of working with Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke.I idolize these two for many years now. I have always wanted to do a movie with Julie and Dick, they are amazing and what else can i say about these two, oh yeah i actually share the same birthday with Mrs. Andrews. That's right i actually share the same bday. when i first found out about it i was so thrilled and excited that i get to share my bday with her. I would of been honored to meet her. it would've been great and to have that opportunity. One day i hope too. Anyways i am getting a little off track about my topic, lol. Phoenix college has been so wonderful to me. And i have been getting help with almost everything. except one, but they can't really help me with that. anyhow it truly has been amazing with my adventure here. I am actually counting down to the day that i will graduate. December of this year. All i have to do is past these three classes that i have, one is i am retaking because i didn't do so well last semester, and i need to pass this class in order to my graduation day. Plus i am working girl too. I just been rehired to work at the fitness center here at my school. my hrs are great and the extra money will come in handy for me. and to help me with my expenses like my rent and grocery shopping too. and maybe i can do something nice for myself. I do tell myself no once in awhile because it is not a need, it is a want. Sometimes i have to have it too. But that all depends on what i see and how much i would want it. I'm doing it again, lost track about my education. However, just recently i have been accepted for a waiver that had got me dismissed from math, all the math classes. because i have a hard time and trouble grasping the material. I cant seem to understand and how to do it. Luckily my PH Doctor who i saw few months ago, diagnosed me with math problems, but he also diagnosed me with depression. I get so emotional more than i was before. its still hard on me, but i go day at a time.

Now i have been thinking about my career choice and what i wanted to do, and i have decided on art, yes i am an artist. I love art and how it represents me and how i feel about it too. I love everything like from ceramics, to sketching and painting. and i also love to build things too. I would love to build my dream home and decorate the way i wanted it to be. One day i would love to have that opportunity. My dad was a hand builder, he would make all these types of furniture, My dad Harold, was an amazing dad and be what he wanted to do. It will be 4 yrs this October that i loss my dad. he passed away unexpectually. And i had taken his passing very hard, and i still do. it still hurts to this day. I love you dad and i miss you, and mom. I know that you will be there in spirit to see me graduate and to accept my art degree on that graduation day.

I have worked to hard to get where i am at now, and i am so proud of myself to make it this far, when i first got my first A in my class i had called my mom and gave her the good news, and mom was very proud of me. And she said "My daughter Kylene has gotten her first A in college." I will never forget that day when i told my mom. It was also very hard that same yr after my dad passed i had loss my mom two months after my dad passed away. To close to Christmas in 2014.  I had lost it and got myself into a depression and had lost my bday and Christmas spirit. After the holidays was over i had been lonely more than ever. It has been so hard that yr and 2015 and present now. The last night i had saw my dad was the night of my bday. i'm turning 40 yrs old this yr, and i am not looking forward to my age, or my day. because it was the last time i saw my dad before he passed. "i'm doing it again losing track here.

Lets end to counting down to my graduation day in December of this year 2018.
thank you

graduation day December 2018.

I can't believe that its coming to an end, being at phoenix college has been a journey for me. it was a wonderful experience since i wanted to be in college. okay its not an actual university college. Phoenix community college was the greatest and best experience in the last 4 years. since i join this school in 2013. and now its 2018. and its time to say good bye. I will miss everything about school. And how it got me out of my apartment and do the things that i wanted to do in life. I am a artist. and i am proud of where i am to be at in my life. Having an associates in fine arts degree is what i wanted. I had recently thought about transferring to ASU in Tempe and wanted to continue with my education. I wanted to see about getting a bachelors in fine arts. I still want to do that, but recently my PH doctor doesn't recommend. from all the stress that i have been going through. And the loads of classes that i have been taking for my requirements and trying to finish school. I hate that its been a little stressful. I can't even retake the ceramics class. And that was relaxing me because it takes all the stress off of me. That's why i kept on taking this class. because it was helping me with my stress. I have joined the fitness center at school that i can take my stress off on too. I have also found out that my insurance, will pay for any gym memberships. And that is cool. I don't have to pay for the membership. my health insurance will. that is awesome. I am finally getting all the things that i wanted. My biggest stress right now is finding a new apartment for me and my cat, Balki. Balki has been so great to me since he was found on my porch just last December 2017. So many things are coming good for me, The one thing that was so stressful was a certain subject that i don't like and i had to try and do the best that i could. That's why i was luckily to have a great school counselor that told me about this program that can help me and possibly get a waiver that will get me dismissed.  Which i got, and this is fantastic news for me. it has been a journey and i will miss being at phoenix college. I'll probably be to excited and crying on my graduation in December.I will be a college graduate....