Brother

This is really hard for me, right now but i have something to say, about people people that commit suicide. One thing is i don't understand why or what made them want to end their life. I also want to be clear about it too. But i also have questions about it. Like what would make them want to do something like this? why?

I have always wanted to know why? why end your life. What was wrong? Was it depression or bipolar. Or was it because of the bad choices that has happened to you. I have one friend who had a sister, who committed suicide, and i feel so sad for my best friend for losing her sister like that, I didn't think that i would have someone in my family that would do something like, but i was wrong. it happened to my family. I just recently loss my baby brother from suicide. I am devastated to lose a love one. It has been so hard not to be as close to someone like a family. For the past five years i have loss family. first my parents. and then my older brother has passed and now my younger baby brother. now it's just me and my younger sister. We have been through a lot.

I have always loved my brother, and sister. but we just drifted apart, but my older brother i was more closer to him then i was with my two younger ones. I will miss my baby brother. He will always will be. I love you Eric, and i am devastated for what happened. I wish i knew why you would do something like this. I don't completely understand this. I have been very emotional for two days now since i found out about your passing, i will always love you and miss you very much.
My baby brother. I love you with all my heart.

There are always Roads

First is this, My graduation. I have finally did it, and i will be actually graduating this May, I am thrilled and excited. I have purchased my cap and gown, However i don't get to pick it up just yet. Not until the end of the semester. April to May i will be able to pick it up, I can't wait. This is an excitement news that i have been looking forward too, for a long time now. since i started at Phoenix College. I will be finished with school now. Right now i am taking a fun class while i wait for my graduation day. yes Ceramics. I am making new things. But i also don't want to make too much this time around. The rest of my ceramic work is at home in boxes. I will have an associates in fine arts degree. How excited is that. I am an artist.

Now, I am currently looking for a brand new place. I'm tired of these dive apartments, I need something better and cheaper. And safe for me and Balki. Balki is my loving kitty, I got him a year ago. I wasn't planning on having a pet anytime soon, but once i saw him with my neighbor i knew i loved him and new what his name will be, Yes Balki from the tv show Perfect Strangers. I am a huge fan of that show. And i still watch it. I have the series that i got from Ebay over a year or two ago. something like that. Any how balki and i need to find a new place as soon as possible. We will be putting in our notice later in the summer. Just as soon as we get accepted to an apartment, and hopefully it will be my last move. I am actually tired of moving, i like to have a home that i can call home sweet home.

Okay, I have to admit something, but i can't explain it yet, and i'm not sure if i want to, but it is kind of private. but talking about it does help. I just don't know if i can accept this news. My relationship with Javier, Its been on a strange course, there are several roads to our future. I have found out that he has been lying to me all this time, 7 years. I guess i kind of new, but i just didn't want to accept it. And i still don't want too. Anyways i have been having these mixed feelings since last November 2018. I have been keeping it a secret for months now, i haven't told anyone yet, and what i know now. I also have been keeping a secret myself, and i wasn't ready to talk about it, because it hurts me that i get emotional about it, and that i am not able to have. "I'm sorry i can't bring it to myself and say it" I just can't.
There are roads to almost everything that i am working on. But there are roads, always roads.